Restaurants that skimp on the ketchup

Really? All you're going to give me to go with this ginormous mound of fries is that little dinky thimbleful of ketchup? I'm going to ask you at least 3 times for more ketchup so just bring me enough to start or give me the goddamn bottle.

Computer printers

Not to get all Office Space on these things, but 1) they do break a lot or are down 2) just generally take too long to start up and print and are just difficult to use and 3) why are they so big? I generally understand the physics and manufacturing behind them but jesus christ they are stupidly annoyingly big and just generally ugly.

People who say "I'm sorry" right after they stick their hand out and stop the elevator door from closing

NO YOU ARE NOT FUCKING SORRY! If you were sorry, you wouldn't have stuck your hand out and delayed everyone's commute even further. If you were sorry, you would have just waited for the next elevator and been the dick who's not only delaying everyone, but making it even more uncomfortable by shoving yourself into an already-packed box of bleary-eyed, uncaffeinated grumpy folks.

I hope that one day, I get to witness one of these jerks getting their hand actually stuck in the elevator allowing me to enjoy the terrified look in their eyes as they wonder about life minus that hand. Don't get my wrong I don't want anyone to actually lose a hand and I certainly don't wanna see that kind of gore, but I do want them to think they'll lose the hand and think twice about ever doing this again.

People who say "on line" instead of "in line"

You trying to dial up to AOL? You trying to get on to Yahoo! chat and do some RPG'ing or talk to your imaginary girl/boyfriend?

Do you stand on top of people when you wait for your coffee? Do you head-walk like in a mosh pit when you're waiting to use the bathroom at a sporting event? There is no ON line, you are waiting IN the fucking thing.

When I moved to New York, I thought I was hearing things for a while, then realized that there are far more people who use this horrifyingly awful phrase than I could imagine. You people are weird.

When you rub your eye after touching hot peppers

You really have no one to blame but yourself and I continue to do this and have never learned my lesson. One of these days I'll pause and think before smearing my eyeball with jalapeño juice.

Bagels anywhere except NYC

Please don't call them bagels. Call them bread rings. Call them salty doughnuts. Call them wheelie breads. But they are not bagels. Please do not take the lord's name in vain. Thanks.

Butt pimples

They are the worst kind of pimple, and they always hurt like a bitch. Why is that the case?

NEEDING to brush and floss

I enjoy doing it just because I enjoy having clean teeth, enjoy not having awful breath, but generally speaking, why hasn't our species evolved to not require dental care? Why don't we have teeth of steel? Come to think of it, why aren't we immortal yet either?

People who stand at the top of the subway stairs messing around on their phones

I want to throw you right back down the stairs.

People who run outside when it's freezing cold outside

Unless you are a masochist, you really are just being dumb. I can think of a million other ways to get exercise besides that. Also spending tons of money on fancy cold-weather running gear is dumb.

Button flies

Other than avoiding the horrendous "scrotum stuck in a zipper" possibility, there is not a single redeeming quality in these things.

Did someone sit around one day and say "hey you know what? I'm tired of being able to put on/take my pants off so easily. Also I wish it took longer for me to pee. Let's replace the zipper with lots of buttons!"? Whoever this person is, I hope they are rotting in Hell.

The gym in January

Please give up your resolution and get off my lawn.

People who throw trash on the subway tracks

When I become president, if you see someone throwing trash on the subway tracks, you are completely within your rights to throw THEM on the subway tracks as restitution.

Butt hair

Do not need hair on the butt, for any reason ever. Mine or anyone else's.

Quarters, when you have a washer/dryer in your home

Completely dead weight in my pocket or clanking around in my bag. Generally too small to be a decent tip. Not fun enough to be a cat toy. Not heavy enough to be a paperweight. Can't wait to lug 37 pounds of quarters = 14 bucks to the Coinstar machine so I can cash out for a eCertificate and buy some toilet paper for "free" on Amazon.

Dishwashers that suck

Did I really just wait for 2 hours to have my favorite tea mug STILL be dirty?